No Guilt Summer is presented by Just Cakes Bakeshop. JCB is a Food Network winning bakery based right here in Surrey, BC. They aim to create a culture of appreciation around desserts & pastries, while evoking emotion and memories through the power of sweet treats. Their Just Jars are my guilty pleasure (Reese’s one to be exact!) and exactly what I’ll be munching on guilt free all throughout my No Guilt Summer. Visit their website www.justcakesbc.com or check them out on Instagram @justcakesbakeshop
“Hi, just a 12oz black coffee please.” My friend turns to me and asks what I’ll have. “A 12oz medium roast with a little bit of oat milk for me” I say to the barista. I start to pull out my wallet and take out my debit card to pay for the two coffees, but my friend starts to shrug me off. “Nah, I got this one!”. I try to fight back, feeling an overwhelming guilt setting over me. It’s too late though. They’ve already tapped their card and paid for our coffees. I collect my coffee, feeling grateful, of course, but mostly awkward.
Full transparency, I have a hard time accepting things. I seldom ask anyone to get me a glass of water, I never ask my mom to make me food unless I’m sick or so hungry that I can’t get off the floor, or allow my friends to fill my heart with small gestures like pay for my two dollar coffee.
I grew up with a scarcity mindset surrounded by adults who embeded that scarcity mindset inside of me. It’s not that we didn’t’ have enough, it’s just that we were always acting like we didn’t have enough. And when you think you don’t have enough, you never ask for more than what you currently have and just be grateful for what you do.
It also doesn’t help that I grew up as a fairly independent child. I often spent a lot of time on my own, which meant there wasn’t actually anybody I could ask to grab me a drink of water if I was super comfortable on the couch. I also started cooking for myself at the age of twelve because my mom and dad were never home. And while my vegetarian bibi made a mean aloo da paronta, sometimes ya girl just needed a pepperoni pizza or chicken burger. Mostly, when it comes to allowing my friends to pay for coffee, dinner, or even gifts, it has come with an incredibly heavy guilt that I shouldn’t be costing anything to the people in my life. I also never want anyone to feel like they have to take care of me.
A few months ago, my mom was adamant about getting me a designer bag for my birthday. She looked around at some of the closest women in my life and saw the Pradas, the Louis Vuittons and the Guccis, hoping that her daughter could, too, rock a genuine leather. One day, she gave me her credit card, no budget and sent me on my way to downtown. And while I wish this story came with a happy ending and Louis Vuitton bag, it doesn’t. While I really tried to entertain the idea and really tried with my whole chest, I couldn’t pull the trigger. I couldn’t for the life of me accept a free Louis Vuitton limited edition bag courtesy of my parents, and I know what you’re all thinking: Harpo you’re a dumb bitch, it was a LOUIS VUITTON! But like I said, I have a really deep guilt around accepting things, and my mind makes no distinction between two dollar coffees and two thousand dollar handbags.
The key to being a balanced bad bitch, though, is just that: balance. I love knowing that I got me, that I will always love me, and that I am literally the love of my life. However, I also see that not allowing myself to accept love, kindness, compliments, gestures, two dollar coffees will be detrimental to my growth. The most detrimental: not accepting a free Louis Vuitton bag.
I see how guilt is wrapped nicely around all the things I refuse to accept. I see how guilt is intertwined with my inability to open my arms, to allow for nice things to happen to me, and how it’s especially intertwined with my inability to allow someone else to care for me.
This guilt comes from what I’ve already identified. I feel guilty if I cost someone something. I never want to feel like someone had to go out of their way for me, or that they had to put in more effort on top of their already existing energy expenditure, just to accommodate me. I never want to be a burden on anyone, no matter our relationship and emotional proximity.
But as I navigate and unpack my brown girl guilt, I’m willing to put down some of my armour because I know that closing myself off to love and sacred energy is not what will lead to my ultimate flourishment. I might not be willing to add a free Louis Vuitton bag to my closet just yet, but perhaps I might be willing to not fight my friends at the coffee shop. Perhaps I can start to let my loved ones care for me, without feeling like a burden. Perhaps I can start to lower the walls I’ve built around myself that don’t allow for nice people, things or experiences to come in.
Perhaps I can take my middle finger out, point it at the guilt that holds me back from accepting all that I deserve and more, and say, “I’ve been thinking, could you f*ck off?!”
