Being a brown immigrant has afforded me the pleasure of enjoying festivities from two worlds. I feel fortunate to experience this, but I’ll also admit that I don’t always feel at my best during the seasonal change and transition from summer into the holiday season. I can’t possibly be the only one. It isn’t easy to trade off sunny days, summer dresses, beach visits, patio sitings, hikes, etc., with being single during the festival season.
Don’t get me wrong; I love festivals. The vibe in the air and the festive energy are something I look forward to every year. Who doesn’t like Thanksgiving dinners, Diwali parties, Bhai Dooj get-togethers, sweater weather and Christmas?
But on the other side, I dread this season too, especially the part where I get a plus one to bring along to parties, and I show up again and again without said plus one. Of course, giving me the option to bring a plus one is a familiar and kind gesture, but every time I show up without a plus one, it’s a reminder that I am so freaking single. Moreover, when I show up at these parties alone, I spend half the night either rationalizing my singleness or fending off aunties who won’t stop setting me up with men who are not my type. It doesn’t take long for cuffing season to become senti season.
And the sentiness only increases because of how much love is in the air during cuffing season. While I love seeing people in love, it feels like couples are a magnet for my incredibly single eyes during cuffing season. I see them holding hands, being cozy, and enjoying a romantic vibe. It makes me think, “why can’t I have this, too? What’s wrong with me? What could I possibly be doing wrong?” Fortunately, I never find answers to these questions, and I cannot ignore the loneliness cuffing season brings.
I know that not having a partner does not mean my life is incomplete. Having a partner would not complete my life, but it would add more value. It would allow me to see the world from someone else’s perspective, allow me to let my guard down, allow me to take the back seat once in a while, and enable me to do the same for my partner. It would also mean that I could go to the pumpkin patch with my partner, maybe even take a couple’s Santa picture, and fend off aunties at Thanksgiving.
I understand that things happen with time, and inevitably, there will be a cuffing season where I’ll be cuffed. There will be a day that single people might look at me and my partner holding hands and wish they had that! But the heart can be difficult to handle sometimes; it is not always patient enough to wait for the right time.
If I am being honest, I try my best not to let my singleness make me doubt my self-worth, but I fail multiple times during this time. Every day I tell myself that my lack of a partner does not make me any less professional, less desirable, worthy, or attractive and certainly does not change my character. Still, again I fail, and the cycle goes on. Every cuffing season, I get caught in an intense battle between my desire to celebrate freely and the self-induced doom of being alone.
Nevertheless, in all this, one thing that remains constant is that I do not give up on myself. I might struggle with it, but I return to trusting myself, believing in myself, and connecting with my values. In the past, I judged myself for being so senti during cuffing season. I was hard on myself for just how senti this season made me. But I know now that feeling lonely, wanting someone, or having an irresistible desire to be hugged by someone, to feel someone’s skin against yours does not makes you weak or dependent.
Hence, when we transitioned from summer to fall this year, I promised myself that I would take extra care of my needs, show more love to myself, and feel and accept my emotions. And taking care of myself does not necessarily have to be a big gesture. It can be done through small steps like allowing myself an expensive latte if my heart wants it or taking a day off to be with myself. It can be anything; anything that makes my heart smile and leaves my soul at peace.
I must admit that this promise of mine to myself is allowing me to navigate this time more quickly than in previous years. Of course, I still feel lonely and get senti, but I don’t judge myself for feeling this way. I am allowing my emotions to breathe, which, in return, enables me to enjoy this time with my family and friends.
And so, if you’re reading this and thinking, “this sounds like an excerpt from my journal,” it’s not, it’s an excerpt from my (Bhumika’s) journal, but we’re all in this together. You are not alone when you feel lonely, question yourself or doubt your worth, and certainly not when you consider changing yourself to attract a partner. You are not alone. PERIOD.
Always remember that wanting a partner has nothing to do with being strong and independent. The life you have built for yourself still stands as it is, even if you want to share it with someone. If you still want someone to share the joys and sorrows of your journey with, trust me, you are powerful because it takes guts to accept your heart’s desires, and it takes a lot of courage to trust someone to let them enter your life.
So, my fellow single people, we will find a partner when it’s time, but till then, remember to take care of yourself and not be harsh. The aunties are already harsh enough. Why add to it?
Bhumika is an immigrant who moved to Canada 5 years back as an international student and finished her post-degree diploma in Business Administration from Langara College. She is working as a soft skills trainer and administrator.
Like a true communication aficionado, she cherishes building a community of like-minded individuals. Bhumika has been writing since she was 12 and realizes her true essence lies in writing and storytelling about topics that society labels taboo. She believes that if used with the right intentions, words have the power to heal every situation.
Based on her life experiences, she realizes that self-love in brown communities is an alien concept but also understands that it is the only way to move forward and hence can always be seen advocating self-love.
@bhumika_laller
