Recently, I was conversing with a friend about how I would love to be in a committed long-term relationship with someone on the same wavelength as me. My friend was surprised. With his mouth wide open, he responded to me, “but I always thought you weren’t the relationship type.”
When asked to elaborate, he mentioned that I am an independent, confident, financially stable, opinionated, feminist and someone who is in love with herself. Further, he asked, “why would you need a partner?”
I was confused. When did being independent become the opposite of wanting a partner? The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was not the first time someone had said something like this to me.
I’ve been told that I will never be able to build a life with someone because I am opinionated. I’ve also been told that I won’t find a partner because I support women’s rights, don’t abide by conventional rules for women, and simply because I am financially independent. I remember my cousins playfully teasing me that my partner would have such a tough time being with me because I have a personality and opinions. But why? Why does our society plant this seed in our minds that taking care of ourselves does not align with wanting a partner? Isn’t it bizarre how we manage to coincide these two very different trajectories?
I believe relationships help us grow and allow us to see a new side of ourselves. It is a chance to explore one’s personality, learn your capacity for care, set standards for how you want to be cared for, and delve deeper into how you give and receive love. A romantic relationship with a partner would help give me answers to some of these questions, as well as bring me closer to myself.
Many believe self-assured and confident women do not need romantic relationships. However, I am against this notion. Sure, those who have a self-love practice might not constantly need validation from their partner, which might allow them to invest their energy in the relationship’s growth. Perhaps it is also easier for them to accept the love their partners are offering and not question if they are worth being loved. When we respect and love ourselves, it becomes easier and natural to replicate and accept those feelings from another human. What if we considered that being strong, self-assured, confident, and ambitious makes you a great partner, rather than a hyper-independent, avoidant one?
In times like these, the iconic character of Geet from the Bollywood film, “Jab We Met” comes to mind, especially her dialogue, “mai apni favourite hoon.” We can see her unapologetic love for herself; no matter what someone else thinks, she just adores herself. Geet’s number one priority in life is herself, and yet she still embarks on a wild crusade to pursue her one true love. She doesn’t think, “I already have a favourite person; why would I need anyone else?”. Instead, she channels her self-assuredness and confidence into building the life she wants with the partner that she wants. We all can learn from her, especially in moments of self-doubt.
Talking about self-doubt, do you remember when we were growing up, how the idea of women taking care of others and prioritizing their needs over their own was romanticized? I have seen my mother and aunt diligently working to address the needs of all our family members, and I also saw how they tied their self-worth and value with how much care they could offer. In all my 27 years, I have never seen the women of my house doing something for themselves; somehow, their needs always became secondary to their husbands’. If I saw my mother doing something for her happiness, I could see the guilt radiating off her. As such, I grew up with the notion that a woman’s needs are secondary to those of her family. Romantic relationships, for me, meant giving up my freedom, living my life in a shadow, and putting my needs at the bottom of the list. And in that way, I did view relationships as a way of silencing me and stripping me of my agency. No wonder my friend thought I wasn’t the relationship type.
I’m sure I am not the only one. I’m sure many brown girls everywhere can relate to this. No wonder many of us pushed away romantic relationships under the guise of self-love and self-care. I wonder if maybe doing this leads to resentment against our partners and hence, so many broken relationships.
With these questions always doing rounds in my mind, I am working hard not to enter into a relationship where I have to sacrifice myself, my needs, my opinions, and my beliefs. I’m unlearning my initial understanding of relationships while simultaneously setting standards for the kind of romantic relationship I wish to have. For example, I want a partner with emotional maturity– not to take care of a child. I don’t want a partner who is homophobic and believes that being a part of the LGBTQ2+ community is a “medical condition,” and I surely don’t want a partner who debates me on the difference between spirituality & religion.
Being a self-loving independent woman does not mean I run away from relationships; I just want a partner that brings his emotions, ambitions, support, love, loyalty and respect to the table. Strong, independent, self-loving women also want to experience love. Why wouldn’t we? It’s an emotion that binds the entire Earth. We want all the perks, too.
Even though I want all the perks, I cannot give up on loving myself. It should never be a choice between loving myself or being loved by someone. So, all my lovely brown girls out there, don’t let anyone tell you that you are not the relationship type. Don’t ever feel guilty for prioritizing your needs; don’t question yourself for setting boundaries. Love yourself unapologetically, do things that make you happy and let others watch and learn how to treat you!
Bhumika is an immigrant who moved to Canada 5 years back as an international student and finished her post-degree diploma in Business Administration from Langara College. She is working as a soft skills trainer and administrator.
Like a true communication aficionado, she cherishes building a community of like-minded individuals. Bhumika has been writing since she was 12 and realizes her true essence lies in writing and storytelling about topics that society labels taboo. She believes that if used with the right intentions, words have the power to heal every situation.
Based on her life experiences, she realizes that self-love in brown communities is an alien concept but also understands that it is the only way to move forward and hence can always be seen advocating self-love.
@bhumika_laller
